I’ve been silent of late because I’ve been struggling. Struggling with a lot of things, really, but mostly with one big decision and that’s whether to return to the US for a year or two so my son can attend Middle School. The school is great – though more than twice the price we’re paying now in Mexico (3 times if I hadn’t gotten a dash of financial aid) – and I do miss the clean air and public lands of New Mexico. But my son absolutely does not want to go back. In his view he has tons of friends here, and a school he loves. I don’t see his friends being very engaged or inviting, and I don’t see him very challenged in school. Yet I do see that he is happy and that’s huge. Still, I feel a strange magnetic pull back to New Mexico. Is it my old self saying that things are just too easy here? That unless I’m in a state of stress, overwork or otherwise struggling, I’m not really living? This is of course very American, but I had hoped I was growing out of it. I may not know for sure unless I go back and see for myself.
Aiden does have friends in New Mexico. We have a beautiful home, the sale for which I pulled out of in the 11thhour because… well, I guess I just wasn’t ready. Which is why I figured maybe I should go back another year and see if I can find a tribe again. Because I don’t feel like I fit in the US these days, and maybe never did. But I’m afraid to let go of it. I’m afraid to let go of a lot of things, I’m seeing, even as I’ve moved forward so much.
It really brings up whether one can fully go back after embracing this lifestyle. Will I go back when Aiden is off to college and I don’t have him as a travel companion? I can’t really imagine that either. And what will I do to afford my return, particularly if it’s temporary. Since my cost of living would immediately skyrocket, I’ll have to get on it! Or maybe I’ve just forgotten how much I hate cold and snow, and need one more physical reminder to cut the cord for good.
I was so challenged by this decision I even consulted an empath. She had a lot of odd little things to say but felt strongly that I was living my best life in Mexico and that I would last maybe three months in the US, so why go back? Though she calmed my fears by saying that there would be no downside to trying it out, maybe even for a year, but to be clear it was a step backwards. Not exactly the life lesson I want to embrace as I cross the mid century mark, but maybe it’s exactly what I need to do to reorient my life course for good. At least that’s my optimistic spin.
I know that I have high anxiety about returning to the United States, but less so to my community in the progressive enclave of Santa Fe, where I was raised and have roots. Plus, I have such a deep love for the land. I also love the political discussions, engagement and activism of this little town, as well as other cultural offerings, even if everything closes down at 8pm at night. So maybe three months is enough to enjoy these benefits…?
Anyone else have suggestions or input, job offers or otherwise sage advice? I’m clearly open to and desperate for input.
Here’s some general advice I’ve received so far:
–Make a pro and con list. There are so many pros and cons it pretty much evens out.
–Trust your gut – my gut cannot be trusted these days. Full stop.
–Put it out for one of those hive mind votes: whatever people decide I’ll attempt, and I’ll write about it along the way. Yeah, but what if they send me on some Arctic expedition where I’m cold all the time.
–Try it out – Nothing is permanent, and maybe you have to see these things for yourself. It’s just another adventure along the way.
Towards this last one, I did find someone to sublet my lovely apartment while I’m gone, so I guess that’s covered. (And keeps one foot anchored in Mexico in the event of a hasty return.)
I’ll await the input of my dearest armchair quarterbacks and fellow travelers alike.
Adventuring A to Z 
It sounds like a positive thing to me to feel a need to go back to your roots for a while, where you have friends and a home. If it were for only 3 months though, would you be able to go back to your apartment in SMA? How would that work? That’s what I would want to have figured out.
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As one who is living in Santa Fe again after having left for 2 years – I had struggled worrying I was moving “back” – when eventually I realized that I was arriving from where I had grown to be post Santa Fe, I was able to see I was coming to a place I loved “anew” and was not going “back” in any sense of the word. It has me appreciate my connection to place in terms of the comfort I feel in this land AND has me having fresh and new connections to land, place, and people. Will it be forever home – probably not. Yet, my heart is at rest and growing. I feel that Santa Fe is different now than when I left and I am too. I like the freshness to both of us.
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This is beautiful! Thank you, Cyndi. I needed to hear this.
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And hey let me know when you get back … would love to have you and Aiden over for a bbq and hang out. I am just off Osage on Otowi.
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Dear Zelie,
I have no advice to give on your dilemma. I just want you to know that if you do come back to Santa Fe I am willing and able to help you in any way I can. I could never take the place of your mom, but I am a mother ( and a grandmother) and if you and/or Aiden ever need anything I am available. Good luck on your decision. In any case, you can always change your mind.
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Marie, you are so dear! Thank you. I did see photos of a recent camping trip Pete took in the Pecos Wilderness and my heart skipped a beat. That might just have clo nched the deal! Xox
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Zelie, this is a tough decision you are facing, but how lucky to be choosing between two such remarkable locations! Better than listing pros and cons is a tool called the implications wheel, which sadly is high-priced proprietary software. I participated in an actual training, but I think you are smart enough to see how to do this: Identify your proposal (“Move back to Santa Fe for a year”), not as an either-or but as a statement, and write it in the center of a piece of paper. Then radiate out by writing five possible implications of pursuing that course. Next, from each of the five implications, radiate out again with five more possibilities related to each implication. FYI, the creator decided after testing that five was the optimum number (I asked the trainer specifically about the number). After that, you have to go back and score the likelihood of each implication in graded steps from highly likely, very likely, likely, somewhat likely, and neutral all the way down the other way to highly unlikely. Obviously, the likelihoods and unlikelihoods both offer a lot to ponder. It sounds complicated, but it’s not, and I found it to be very helpful in decision-making. You can do it alone, or if you wish, with a group of trusted friends to throw out suggestions and help you clarify the grading of each implication. And no matter where you spend the next year, I know it will be an adventure from A to Z! Good luck! Jude
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Hey Zelie … I love the pondering and your willingness to open it up to your very broad community for input. So brave of you; I admire that. As a thought, I’ve recently become enamored of Numerology as an additional lens through which to look when trying to make sense of things. Some might call it a pseudo-science, but I find it fascinating (and harmless), and it’s crazy how much it lines up. I have done my numbers and used it to look back on my life to make sense of where I’ve been and get a sense of what lies ahead (especially the pinnacle periods and challenge numbers). Wow. What a revelation. I also spent Mother’s Day doing my mom’s numbers as a way to spend the day with her since she is in end stage Alzheimer’s and virtually lost to us; I feel it gave me some insight into her journey, and, as a result, a little comfort. Just a thought. There are many on line resources for that.
Also, to your comment, “unless I’m in a state of stress, overwork or otherwise struggling, I’m not really living?” … Oh, how I feel you. Seems I’m on a theme of alternative solutions, but I have used a Meridian Tapping Technique called ProEFT. It focuses on addressing limiting beliefs and fears (among other things), is easy and cheap to do and learn, and has a proven track record. You can pay for workshops if you want (I have), but you don’t have to. Again, fascinating and harmless.
Lastly, are there any supplemental online programs to bolster Aiden’s experience? Can’t say I blame him for not wanting to leave, but I know it’s a tough decision.
I will be in SMA in a month and would love to visit. Hopefully, I won’t miss you this time! All the best!
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